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“CHRONOLOGY OF ‘V.I.P.’ VISITS
12/1/66 - HENRY CABOT LODGE-U.S. Ambassador to Vietnam - (Twice no less!) 1963-1964, then 1965-1967. Hank was extremely instrumental in the overthrow of the Diem government, which in turn only drug (Did I say 'drug'? I meant 'dug', but as it happens the two were interchangeable); dug/drugged/dredged?... the U.S. deeper into the war. The majority of the Vietnam war strategy was developed between Hank Lodge and Bobby McNamara while they lay on ‘Waikiki Beach’ watching bare chested beach bunnies with minuscule thong panties buried up the crack of their asses playing volleyball. Mahalo Nui! Hank! Later McNamara would complain in his book titled ‘IN RETROSPECT’ that the weekly flights to Hawaii were ‘Grueling’.
12/1/66 - JOHN A. HEINTGES-LTGEN, U.S.A. DEPCOMUSMACV - (DEPCOMUSMACV really means: Deputy of the Commissary, United States Military Archive Center for the letter 'Vee'). He received a ‘Cross of Gallantry’ for flying into 'Country' and a second star because no one in the South Vietnamese government could pronounce his last name. There was a General officer in charge of each letter of the alphabet (English only). Foreign departments of the alphabet were under the jurisdiction of the NSA and State Department.
12/1/66 - EDWIN R. CRESS-MAJGEN, U.S.A.F. CHIEF OF CHAPLAINS U.S.A.F. - (Note: If he is ‘Chief’ of all the chaplains in the U.S.A.F., just how many chaplains does the Air Force need to justify a ‘Chief’)? Given the number of planes they lose on a daily basis, I would venture to guess they need one chaplain in the Air Force for every pilot on active duty.
12/2/66 - CLARENCE J. LANG-BGEN, U.S.A. DIR. OF LOGISTICS, U.S. STRIKE COMMAND - (note: This fancy title means he was the head pogue or head ‘r.e.m.f.’
12/2/66 - ADRIEL WILLIAMS-BGEN, U.S.A.F./DIR. OF TRANSPORTATION USAF - (Note: I don't know if he was in charge of aircraft or valet parking. Sorry!)
12/2/66 - WILLIAM P. JENNINGS-REP. DEM. VA., MEMBER OF HOUSE WAYS & MEANS COMM. - (Note: In government-speak, ‘Ways & Means’ means how can we screw the public, line our pockets, hide the cash and call the other party a bunch of crooks.) This is a reoccurring theme in the political arena. Any contact, however slight, with a politician usually means he’s got his hand in your pants feeling around for your wallet...or he’s exploring the mysteries of your underwear!
12/2/66 - GRAHAM PURCELL-REP. DEM. TEX., MEMBER HOUSE AGRICULTURE COMM. His trip was a fact finding tour not to mention frequent flyer miles plus a free airplane ride to find out if we could annex South and North Vietnam and give them to the Iowa Farmer's Association. He ultimately kidnapped 300,000 South Vietnamese and sent them via ‘United Parcel Service’ or ‘UPS’ to South Texas. This also explains, in part, some of the complaints regarding Vietnamese M.I.A.’s issue currently coming from the ‘People’s Democratic Republic of Vietnam’.
12/3/66 - JONATHAN BINGHAM-REP. DEM. N.Y., MEMBER HOUSE ADMIN. COMM. & INTERIOR AND INSULAR AFFAIRS. - (Note: Hey people! It's his fucking title, not mine! Look it up. 'Insular' relates to islands. I think he was on a fact finding tour to see if Vietnam had any good beaches or tourist destination resort possibilities. Either that or he was looking for Guam.)
12/5/66 - SIR JOHN WILTON-LTGEN, KBE, CBE, CB, DSO CHAIRMAN JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF AUSTRALIAN FORCES. - (Note: The only acronyms this guy left out was UFO, DIP, and KGB.)
12/5/66 - K. MACKAY-MAJGEN, COMMANDER AUSTRALIAN FORCE RVN - (Note: Yeah boy! Them 'aussies' where thicker'n fleas on a ‘two dollar dog’ in Vietnam. I'm here to tell ya! I mean if you have more than two people ‘In-country’ one or the other just has to be the CNC...right?)
12/5/66 - RANDOLPH HEARST - Yes! The very same. I'm not sure why Randy showed up? Soon his wayward, make that miscreant, daughter is going to be kidnapped by the ‘Black Panthers’; set the standard for the ‘Helsinki Syndrome’... rob a few banks then get arrested and go to the slammer! But! Somehow she gets out; marries her body guard and lives happily ever after. ‘Fairy Tales do come true...it could happen to you...if your young at heart’ and have access to more money than little Billy Gates! By the way for those of you who are confused by the term ‘Helsinki Syndrome’ let me set you straight. It has nothing to do with Sweden, Finland or Norway. It is in fact, a Canadian Hockey term used to describe what happens after too many head injuries and the afflicted player hugs his stick and dates his puck. Which is why Patty Hearst ended up being captured by an ex-Canadian Hockey player who had joined the Black Panthers. She contracted the disease sexually or perhaps politically (How can you tell the difference?), or so the story goes. Word Up!
12/5/66 - M. KAPLAN-CIVILIAN, MEMBER OF THE PRESS - Not enough news on the home front. I seem to recall that a great deal of the Vietnam war was televised. Kaplan must have missed the shows.
12/6/66 - R. CONSODINE-CIVILIAN , MEMBER OF THE PRESS - Didn't want to be shut out by Kaplan; see above, and was on the next flight right behind him! He was also surprised to find a TV set in Vietnam at the PX in Da Nang.
12/6/66 - JOHN E. DAVIS-Commander of the American Legion. - Now John popped in (at dues paying member's expense) no doubt in order to take full advantage of his captive audience in a bid for new membership recruitment. If he can get the ‘Grunt’ to sign over his 10k life insurance in advance, then when he dies, the American Legion gets his cash, the grunt gets a pine box and lifetime membership!
12/6/66 - DAVID LAMBERT-RADM, USN COMTRAPAC - (Note: I haven't the foggiest fuck'in idea who this clown is!) I also have no idea what a ‘COMTRAPAC’ is either but I suspect it’s as elusive as the legendary ‘Snipe’.
12/8/66 - HENRY M. JACKSON-SEN., DEM . WASH. MEMBER SENATE COMM-ARMED SERVICES. - (As opposed to the Member Senate Comm-unarmed services Comm., postal employees excepted, meter maids excepted.)
12/8/66 - GLENN A SMITH-GS-18 PROFESSIONAL STAFF MEMBER SENATE SUB-COMM ON PREPAREDNESS INVESTIGATION - (NOTE: If ‘FORTUNE FAVORS THE PREPARED MIND’, GLENN was sick the day they taught 'PREPAREDNESS'; probably called in and went boozing with McNAMARA. Prepared my ass!) He later became head of the ‘Girls Scouts of America’ in an effort to prepare them for induction into the ‘Boy Scouts of America’ who, at the time, were busy getting prepared to reject ‘Girl Scouts as well as certain ‘Boy Scouts’ who were preparing to defect to the ‘Girl Scouts’? Next door the ‘Cub Scouts of America were leering at the ‘Brownies of America’ wondering if they tasted anything like ‘Little Debbie Cakes’. Ultimately Scout Mothers and Fathers lost it. A battle ensued. During a flurry of flying merit badges a Company of ‘Twinkie Cadets’ lead by Tom Robbins snuck in and took them all prisoner.
12/6/66 - HENRY KOREN-DEP. ASST AMBASSADOR TO RVN - Huh? Okay I think I have this one figured out. He wore a badge and arrested crooked assistants; or crooked ambassadors. Which is to say he arrested crooked politicians. I think this represents an oxymoron.
12/8/66 - STROM THURMON - Republican Senator from South Carolina; member of all the really high-rolling congressional committee's that count. He’s into the Armed services, Commerce, Banking, Currency comm., Republican Policy Comm., etc. The Stromster is your basic right-winger. For those readers with some medical background does the acronym 'g.o.m.e.r.' (Get Out Of My Emergency Room!) ring a bell? It is noteworthy to add that in the November 1996 election this 90 plus year old was re-elected as Senator? Where else can one of his advanced years get hour upon hour of uninterrupted sleep but in the Senate? Not to worry my South Carolinians! His attending nurse votes for him.
12/8/66 - CHARLES KIRBOW-CHIEF CLERK, SEN. ARMED SERV. COMM. - (Yeah boy! Time to send in the ‘CLERKs’ God dammit! We're losing the fucking war!)
12/7/66 - GEORGE ALLEN-SPECIAL EMISSARY DEPT. OF STATE - I know what your thinking. Just what the hell does a 'Special Emissary do'? Well it would appear that he does what an ‘Ordinary Emissary’ does not. Now your wondering; what does an ‘Ordinary Emissary’ do? Well no one really knows since an ambassador covers most of the work detailed for the State Department. Conclusion: Emissaries carry had delivered letters and if they are really ‘Special’ they’re are carried by the senior emissary. It would appear the Post Office is not up to the task.
12/8/66 - V.C. MOORE-CANADIAN AMBASSADOR TO RVN - There strictly as an observer to watch U.S. tactics just in the event President Johnson wants to invade and attack Canada.
12/7/66 - BGEN LINDBERG-BGEN, USAF, DEP. CO AAFEX NY - 'AAFEX-NY means exactly that, nothing more. Yes! You got it! It's not a title, it's an anagram! Your supposed to work on it during your long and tedious flight from CONUS to RVN.
12/11/66 - LEONARD F. CHAPMAN-LTGEN, USMC, CHIEF OF STAFF, USMC- (Note: All the U.S.M.C. staff was in Vietnam so there was no one left on the mainland to boss around...gotta go where the staff is to be chief.)
12/11/66 - RAYMOND L. MURRAY-MAJGEN, USMC, ASST CHIEF OF STAFF, G-3, USMC - (Same as above. The boss left, so he had to go as well to see what all the hubbub was all about.)
12/8/66 - ALLEN E. PUCKETT-GS-18, EXECUTIVE VP HUGHES AIRCRAFT - Someone told Puckett that Howard Hughes was hiding in the jungles of Vietnam, so he came to look for him.
12/8/66 - FRED P. ADLER-GS-18, VP HUGHES AIRCRAFT - After Puckett failed to return from the jungles of Vietnam while looking for Howard Hughes, Adler went looking for Puckett.
12/8/66 - NICHOLAS YARU-GS-18, VP HUGHES AIRCRAFT - After Adler failed to return from the jungles of Vietnam while looking for Puckett who was lost in the jungles of Vietnam looking for Howard Hughes, Yaru went looking for everyone because no one was showing up for work.
12/8/66 - THEO W.J. WONG-GS-18, ASSOC MGR., HUGHES AIRCRAFT - Mr. Wong, realizing the entire Hughes management was lost, came over to see if he was still employed. It was also in his best interest to make sure that all his superiors were okay. He was a GS-18 and only an Associate Manager while his bosses were Hughes Vice Presidents. While they were paid the same as him; being GS-18’s themselves, they had more authority. Mr. Wong driven by job security as the only Associate Manager needed to make sure that if all his bosses were lost M.A.C.V. would be sure to have his Wong number.
12/8/66 - ROB'T W. DEHAVEN-GS-18, MGR. FLIGHT TEST DIV. HUGHES AIR - Mr. DEHAVEN followed Wong. Neither could find anyone left at the Hughes Corporation so they went to Bangkok, got drunk, got laid and went home. Years later still on their quest to find Howard Hughes they stopped at a small isolated gas station in the Nevada desert. The attendant claimed to be Howard Hughes. Wong looked at DEHAVEN. Neither had actually ever seen their legendary C.E.O. so they shrugged; grabbed the gas station attendant in a wave of relief and said, “Hi! Boss!”
12/8/66 - DR. MENKES GS-16 INSTITUTE OF DEFENSE ANALYSIS - Defense analysis means analyzing defense. In other words the United States Army’s senior officer for the military presence in South Vietnam was no good at it so they hired a civilian.
12/10/66 - ERNEST F. HOLLINGS-SEN., DEM. S.C. - He did not wish to be one-upped by the Stromster. So he took the next flight to the far East leaving South Carolina without adult supervision.
12/12/66 - WILLIAM C. WESTMORELAND-GENERAL USA, COMUSMACV - The head man. Top dog. Big cheese. The ‘Big Mac-veester’. The ‘Westman’. ‘General Bill’. ‘Dubya’ C.’ showed up now and again to see if the war was still going or if everyone simply got bored and went home.
12/13/66 - MR. LEONHART-NO DESCRIPTIONS? No title. No identification. No fingerprints. No telephone number. No job. No tax records. No parents. No birth certificate. - The Man in black? C.I.A.? Maybe. Could have been Johnny Cash incognito. III M.A.F. reports that when he landed the military police asked him for his passport. It had no name, photo are other identification. Since he did not exist he was allowed entry. Mr. Leonhart only exists in this report. Shortly after this microfiche tape was returned to the Navy Yard archives it disappeared. So did the Navy Yard.
12/14 - 15/66-Col. MEDRANO. - Colonel Medrano: Director of Intelligence for El Salvador. Anyone reading this who can't figure this one out needs to start all over in history and sociopolitical U.S. economics and some basic math. While your at it toss in the ‘C.I.A.’, ‘N.S.A.’, et al; add a dose of Cocaine, two tablespoons of revolution, and a direct phone link to the director of the ‘C.I.A.’ “Ummm? Wonder who that was”. You just have to ask yourself why a piss-ant Colonel of Intelligence from a 'Banana Republic' comes to Vietnam to check in with Westmoreland? Anyone? E-mail is welcomed anytime on this one.
12/15/66 - CHAE MYUNG SHIN-LTGEN, CO, ROK FORCES RVN - Translation: Warlord.
12/16/66 - L. THORNTON-LTGEN, CBE, CHIEF DEFENSE STAFF NEW ZEALAND - Showed up to observe in case the United States, Australia, South Korea, North or South Vietnam, Canada or Latvia ever wanted to attack New Zealand. Little did he know that the Japanese had already attacked his country and over thrown the apple industry. ‘FUJI’ New Zealand’s best!
12/16/66 - LEON ANDERSON-CO, AMERICAN VETERANS ORGANIZATION - Who the hell is this? Can you join a Veterans organization while on active duty; not to mention under fire?
12/17/66 - J.W. UNGER-NAT'L CO, DISABLED AMER. VETERANS - Early bird gets the worm, huh? He also wanted to see with his own eyes if the Vietnam war was really a war. Thirty years later the D.A.V. reluctantly allowed Vietnam veterans to become ‘Associate’ members since they were rapidly running out of dues paying WW-II guys.
12/17/66 - J.B. BROCKMEIER-MAJGEN, NETHERLANDS AIR FORCE - Zee General was there keeping an eye on Zat sneaky New Zealand guy. Brockmeier also flew to Vietnam in the only plane the Netherland Air Force owned. The rest of their Air Force was under lease contract from Budget, Inc.
12/19/66 - RADM GOODFELLOW-RADM, USN, CTG 70.8 NAVAL GUNFIRE SUPP - Came to tell Westmoreland he was all outta bullets and had to go back to America and find a couple of gun stores still open so he could buy out their stock. In the meantime he suggested the doggies point their rifles at the enemy and shout, “Bang! Bang! Your dead!”
12/19/66 - GEORGE S. BLANCHARD, BGEN, U.S. Army, ADC, 1st Cavalry Div - He was after his 'Gedunk ribbon' nothing more.
12/19/66 - JOHN STEINBECK - Author and writer. Who knows why he flew in. Probably saw all the other celebrities and thought there was a free buffet and lots of press and a free bar! Rumored to be critically eying the war from a theatrical perspective; hoping to develop another hit to top 'Grapes of Wrath.' or 'Cannery Row.' Perhaps... 'VIETNAM THE MUSICAL'?
12/21/66 - JAMES KELLY-RADM CHC, USN, CHIEF OF CHAPLAINS USN - Same as the Air Force guy. One chaplain per enlisted man.
12/24/66 - NGUYGEN HUU CO-LTGEN, MINISTER OF DEFENSE - This one puzzles the hell out of me! He's flying in for a visit? I thought he lived there for Chrissakes! Actually his command center was the ‘Penthouse Suite’ at Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA. Remember the entire ‘PBR’ (Patrol Boat Riverine) fleet we turned over to the South Vietnamese? There ya’ go. He lost them on a roulette table at the ‘Palace’.
12/24/66 - MRS. ALBERT THOMAS-REP, DEM.,TEX. - Came stomping over to find her husband if it ‘hare-lipped’ ever steer in Texas! She’d heard he was shacked up in a whorehouse in Saigon! When she found him the neighbors could hear the brouhaha all the way back to Austin. “Just what the hell are you doing to that slut Albert!” “Me so horny,” He blurted out.
12/25/66 - BILLY GRAHAM-Evangelist. - Ya gotta lov'em! Where else can you go to preach to a half-million guys who are so scared of dying that they see God several times a day...and you get to solicit donations! Eat your heart out Tammy Faye Baker!
12/26/66 - GEORGE W. GRIDER-Republican, Tennessee. - Member of the District of Columbia Comm., The Judiciary Commission. I have no clue! Go figure. Outstanding parking tickets? Sent to make sure Al Gore didn’t leave the press office? Brought ‘Little Al’ his homework? Anyone?
12/26/66 - JOHN O MARSH-REP., DEM., VA., MEMBER HOUSE APPROPRIATIONS COMM. - Appropriate and fuck this John! This is the type of Congressional rocket scientist that would fly to Vietnam to requisition weapons from the troops in the field so he could send the badly needed gear (he’d call it ‘Surplus’) to a college’s R.O.T.C. program.
12/26/66 - FRANCIS CARDINAL SPELLMAN-Archbiship of N.Y. and Vicar of the Armed Forces. - Where else can you find that many men; especially if your sexual orientation is that of the good Cardinal's. I wonder what the late Cardinal's opinion on Gay's in the military would have been? I wonder what the military's opinion of the Cardinal is/was/is now? I'm so confused. No doubt the good Cardinal's ‘Confessional’ looked like a .25 cent peep show in an adult movie house in Honolulu's Chinatown! Cum everywhere! Many years later; well to be exact the ‘Spring 2001’ issue of ‘Pop-A-Smoke’s U.S.M.C./Vietnam Helicopter Association magazine they quote: “When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I’m getting out before it becomes mandatory.” (General J. Wickam, U.S. Army, (Ret.)
12/28/66 - HAROLD K. JOHNSON-Gen., USA, Chief of Staff U.S. Army 1964-1968. - What can I say about Harold? Why was he in the III M.A.F.’s ‘T.A.O.R.’? Not enough action down South? Harold basically didn't care for LBJ's ‘Bomb the hell out of them’ strategy. He favored more and more and more troops. Harold liked to fill body bags. Everyone needs a hobby.
12/28/66 - BOB HOPE-Entertainer? - Perhaps? Bob has always played the ‘War Theater’ gig. The tickets are free and the audience can't leave. He figured that (as usual) what the troops ‘really’ needed were brief glimpses of Playboy Bunnies surrounded by 'Swat Teams!'
12/29/66 - JAMES O. LINDBERG-BGEN, USAF - Wanted to fly, could not fly in the U.S., but the ‘C.I.A.’ got him a bogus pilot's license out of Taiwan. He’s currently the C.E.O. of ‘Alaska Airlines’.
12/30/66 - CLARK KERR-PRESIDENT UNIV. OF CALIFORNIA - Mr. Kerr came to South Vietnam rather anxiously looking for his entire campus’ missing student body I suspect. The only people left on campus was a guy named ‘Zok’ and a Volkswagen van full of hippies.
1/1/67 - JOSEPH Y. RESNICK-REP.,DEM. N.Y. - He knew by sheer political survival instinct that it was far and again safer in Vietnam than Harlem.
1/4/67 - EDWARD H. DESAUSSURE-BGEN,USA,CO GEN, INFORC-V (ARTILLERY) - Who the fuck is this!?!
1/4/67 - KIM, YUN SANG-BGEN, ROKMC, CO GEN, 2D BRIGADE, ROKM - Korean Warlord and ‘Iron Chef’ recipient of valor specializing in spicy hot Northern Chinese cuisine.
1/5/67 - MARSHALL W. WHITE-RADM USN, COMFAIRWESTPAC - Okay! Okay! Let's see: Commander - Fair Weather only. Western Pacific! Yep that's it! He only comes out when it's not raining.
1/6/67 - WALLACE M. GREENE JR.-General, Commandant of the Marine Corps - 1964-1968. (Da' man!)
1/6/67 - THIEU, NGUYGEN VAN-Lt.Gen., Chief of State, Republic of South Vietnam. - Born 1929. Became the leader somehow in 1965 (‘We think he shot someone’?, ask Hank Lodge for details’); rising to power after the Diem fiasco. Awarded himself the rank of General over 'Everyone and everything,' He remained in power until the fall of Saigon in 1975. Then he and his entourage took the first fleet of chopper's out of Vietnam just steps (‘Make that weeks’) ahead of his conquerors. It is rumored that Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos copied his 'Exit Strategy.' Note: Your typical fascists types usually have more emergency back door exits than a prairie dog. When the time comes to ‘Blow that popsicle stand’. there is no time for dawdling.
1/6/67 - AMBASSADOR SHIN-KOREAN AMBASSADOR TO VIETNAM - Ambassador and cook's assistant to Korean Generals who like to make mun-doo, i.e. 'pot-stickers' as a hobby. Aka: The ‘Tibian R.O.K.’, Mr. Shin was broken later in interrogation for giving recipes to the North Koreans.
1/6/67 - FOSTER C. LAHUE-BGEN, USMC, MIL SECRETARY FOR THE CO OF THE USMC - Personally I think a steno from a temp agency would have been less expensive.
1/9/67 - REUBEN YOUNGDAHL-LUTHERAN MINISTER - Hell’s Bells! Everyone else is here! Can't be upstaged by Billy Graham!
1/10/67 - ROB'T H. B. BALDWIN-UNDER SEC. OF THE NAVY - You can take the look of surprise off your face now. You knew damned well there would be another ‘Under’ type. What does that mean? If you have ‘Assistants to...’ then what's an ‘Under to’? Under the desk? Under ground? Under the weather? Undermined? Under the gun? I give up! Understand?
1/11/67 - COL. SWINBURN-COL, AUSTRALIAN MIL. ATTACHÉ TO RVN - Note: I have never wanted to be, nor will I ever be named after a briefcase! He was from a long and distinguished lineage of ‘Samsonites’ who immigrated to Australia from the ‘Holy Land’ following the end of WW-II.
1/11/67 - COL. MAXWELL-COL, AUSTRALIAN MIL. ATTACHÉ TO RVN - Okay! Uhh...’Matching luggage perhaps?
1/12/67 - HAROLD BROWN-SECRETARY OF THE AIR FORCE - Must be damned busy taking all that dictation!
1/12/67 - JAMES FERGUSON-GEN, USAF, CO AFSB - Who the hell is this? What is an ‘AFSB’? How many did we get? How much were they? How many did we lose? Boy! I hope those suckers didn’t cost as much as a modern day Air Force ‘hammer’.
1/12/67 - HEWITT T. WHELESS-LTGEN, USAF, ASST VICE CHIEF OF STAFF - This is called a titular cluster fuck. Let's see. Your not a real General, your a Lt. General (several General levels down, plus your parking is further out). Your an assistant but not a secretary. Your the ‘Vice Chief’ (second in command or just in charge of 'Vice'?); but your are a ‘Chief of Staff’ but just not chief of all the staff? My God! This is confusing. Well, it’s not like I didn’t warn you in the opening paragraph.
1/12/67 - EUGENE B. LEBAILLY-MAJGEN, DIRECTOR AAF-OI - I have no clue! Ask me again and I will hit you with this book! 'AAF-01'? It's a pop fucking quiz! Algebra? 'A+A+F-.01 = ?) ANS: IDIOT!
1/12/67 - HERBERT ROSENBERG-DIR. TACTICAL AIR PROGRAMS OFFICE DEPT ASD (SA) - Note: Tactical Air Programs sounds impressive, but it only refers to ‘in-flight’ movie selections to and from CONUS and Vietnam. He was in charge of ‘in-flight’ reruns of 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken'.
1/12/67 - ROBERT PETIT-BGEN, USAF,DEP DIR FORCES HQ, USAF - Only problem is: No one knows where or what DEP DIR HQ USAF is. That's why they are all in Vietnam asking anyone and everyone while looking around for it. Rumor has it, they eventually found it after the war. It was in Joplin, Missouri, behind a Burger King in a dumpster. Frankly I sympathize. It’s the last place I would have looked had I lost mine.
1/14/67 - W. PEARSON-BGEN, USA COMMANDING GEN. 1STBDE, 101ST AIRBORNE DIV. - Answer me this? Who commands the 'LastTBDE'?
1/15/67 - STANLEY RESOR-Sec of the Army 1964-1969. - What can I say about Stan? He was a ‘Secretary in the Army’, and landed in 'I Corps' III M.A.F. ‘T.A.O.R.’ looking for ‘doggies’. Seriously, I have no idea why this guy was in my little corner of the war. I can't tell the secretaries from the clerks in Washington. Some are paid a couple hundred grand a year while some get minimum wage.
1/17/67 - ARTHUR L. WEST-MAJGEN, USA, HEAD OF DEPT. OF THE ARMY EVALUATION OF USA MECHANIZED AND ARMOR COMBAT OPS - Sorry! That should have read ‘Combat Oooops!’. I really can't say. Maybe the Army wanted to install 'Otis' elevators in all the quonset huts? Just spit balling here. Then again ‘Mechanized OPS’ might be as simple as a truck load of doggies wearing flak-jackets on their way to some ‘in-country’ R&R?
1/18/67 - BARRY GOLDWATER-Maj.Gen. USAF Retired. - Future Senator from Arizona. Counseled the president to 'nuke' North Vietnam. After that he wanted to cover it with asphalt and make it a 'Parking Lot.' Barry was a tad right-wing but...'Hey! What's a little fallout gonna do? Come on! Okay! Okay! So it gets a little toxic here and there. You wimps!' Barry also introduced the heavy black-plastic 4 pound frames for eye glasses to make a fashion statement; either that or he was a Buddy Holly Impersonator?
1/19/67 - W.C. WESTMORELAND-General, USA. - That's General of the United States Army, and not the United States of America. That spot is reserved for Alexander Haig! (Of course this is only when Haig isn't trying to overthrow Ronald Reagan!) Westy, Westy, Westy! 'You courageous General man you'. Okay! Okay! Bill was the CO of the U.S. Military Assistance Command, Vietnam (I love these titles) 1964-1968. Impressed? Read on. He was also the United States Army ‘Chief of Staff’ 1968-1972. He led U.S. ground forces in the first days of the Vietnam war! Personally I don't know what he was doing in III M.A.F.’s ‘T.A.O.R.’, and I never saw him leading our platoon in combat. Bill thought that we could win the war by attrition. He was only incorrect about which side would suffer the attrition.
1/23/67 - MAXWELL D. TAYLOR-Gen., USA.,COMUSMACV. - Okay!. I don't know what COMUSMACV means, but it sounds really important! Max was a special military adviser to President Kennedy 1961-1962. (What does this tell you?) He was also the Chairman of the ‘Joint Chiefs of Staff’ 1962-1964. (Generals always have jobs) Usually a General in charge of other General’s staffs or joints is considered highly important at the Federal or Pentagon level! Then he was the U.S. Ambassador to South Vietnam 1964-1965. Then he was a ‘Special’ Vietnam advisor to President Johnson. I think we can see after advising two presidents that they either accepted Max's advise, or ignored it. I don't know which. The Pentagon is a holding tank for Generals. Hundreds of men from all services make 'Flag-rank' and are immediately sent to the Pentagon for assignment. They need something to do. One can only attend so many diplomatic functions; host so many buffets and play so much golf. As a General in the Pentagon you have several ‘aides’ to this and ‘aides’ to that assigned to you. This is of course engineered to lighten the daily burden of being a General in the Pentagon waiting for assignment. Finally! One day they call your name. Your given a bunch of armies to command. Now all you need is a war. What fun is an army without a war? Your sick and tired of buying those little Wall-Mart bags of plastic green soldiers! You want to lead real men! Ship them off to real wars! (Yourself excepted of course) Pretty soon you award yourself all the ribbons available; there are mail order catalogs filled with medals of every country. (Not to mention the Punchbowl filled with ribbons on the conference table in the White House ‘Situation Room’) When you have collected all of those you manufacture a few more until your uniform looks like Halie Salassie's doorman.
1/24/67 - WILLIAM G. MCMILLIAN-GS-18, Science advisor to COMUSMACV. - I find this highly, highly implausible. Who the hell in COMUSMACV understands science? They don’t even know what COMUSMACV is. I mean what the hell is a ‘Science Advisor’ doing in combat? What is he even doing ‘in-country’? I suppose he could roam around Da Nang at night and surprise some sentry standing post at ‘O-Dark-Thirty’ and shout, “What is the 12th element on the Periodic Table!”
1/24/67 - LEONARD SULLIVAN-GS-18 Office of the dept. of defense, research and engineering. - Self explanatory. He is the ‘idea man’ in charge of thinking up new ways to destroy life. “Oh! Look! Orange rain?” (It’s not really Orange. The can is but they will put food coloring in it to make it more esthetically pleasing)
1/24/67 - MR. B.K. DUFFHAM-GS-18, National Security Agency. - Enough said? Can you spell 'G.E.S.T.A.P.O.'? These guys make the Mafia and the ‘C.I.A.’, along with other wannabe spooks look like nannies.
1/25/67 - DWIGHT E. BEACH-Gen., USA, CINCUSARPAC.11 - I used to know right where 'CINCUSARPAC.11' used to be but I lost the address dammit! I also wonder where ‘CINCUSARPAC.1 - through .10’ is?
1/25/67 - BISHOP ANGIE SMITH-Methodist Bishop of the Armed Forces. - I'm not touching this at all folks. Okay I lied. She can only move diagonally on her own color. If she’s not careful she’ll be jumped by someone’s Queen; end up married to a ‘bull dyke’.
1/26/67 - JOHN S. COWAN- RADM, (MC) USN, CINCPAC FLTMED.OFF. - I have some extra alphabetical letters ( English only), and acronyms for sale. Bargain basement prices John! Maybe if your not too hard to bargain with I can throw in a couple of free 'Articles' and a box of 'Pronouns'! Where’s Pat Sajak when you need him?
1/27/67 - HARRY HULL-RADM, USN, Director Shore Activities, Development and control. - Oh! please! I have seen these people before. They sit all day long in bright orange towers along the beach watching the swimmers and they have a big police whistle. Most of the day is spent peeking inside the whistle trying to figure out who put that little plastic ball in there and why?
1/28/67 - RADM JOHNSON-RADM, USN, - Deputy chief of Staff for Foreign Military Assistance Logistics and administrator CINCPAC. - Assistant Mgr...Safeway? Just a wild impetuous guess.
1/28/67 - ALEXANDER HUSBAND-RADM, USN, Chief, Civil Engineer Corps. - There is of course another man in charge of the uncivil engineers. Most of which are in Missouri.
1/30/67 - ALFRED STARBIRD-Lt.Gen., USA, Director Defense Comm. Planning Group. - Activities related to the 'O-Club' only! His job is to make sure the booze is secured in a deep bunker during rocket attacks.
1/30/67 - VICTOR K. HEYMAN-GS-18, Director Sea Programs Division, Office of the Assistant secretary of Defense Systems Analysis. - What the hell? “Does your ship float? Have you checked it lately for leaks?”
2/2/67 - W.C. WESTMORELAND-Gen., USA, COMUSMACV. - He had to return...again! His beeper went off. “Okay! What the hell is the problem this time? What? You say the President wants us to move into ‘I’-Corps? Who is this? Greene is that you?” “Okay General if you say so. But...when the Marines move North will those VC guys shoot at us?”
2/3/67 - R.D. TERRY-BGen., USA, CG, 1st Signal BDE. - Will someone please tell me what a 'BDE' is! Now dammit!
2/4/67 - W. B. ROSSON-Maj.Gen., USA, Chief of Staff, MACV - MACV-relates to Big Mac's. McDonalds, Vietnam Division. Hence: Mac-Vietnam. BURKV-
2/4/67 - THEO H. ANDREWS-BGen., USA, Chief of Staff, Far East., Division J-5. - Is that important or what! Don’t panic. There is a ‘Chief of Staff’ for J-1, J-2, J-3 and J-4, not to mention a bigger ‘Chief’ for Divisions ‘A’ through ‘I’. I feel better now.
2/5/67 - THOMAS J. WALKER-RADM, USN, COMCARD/IV - ‘COMCARDs’ Three, One and Two couldn't make it. They didn’t have a full deck. The same variation on this theme is currently in operation to this day.
2/7/67 - THOMAS J. MCINTYRE-Senator, Dem., New Hampshire. - The Senator jetted in to see if there would be anyone left alive to vote in the New Hampshire primaries. The thought weighed heavily on him as his Jet to Vietnam winged it’s way West. Then just as he was deplaning at Da Nang he realized his trip was a waste of time. Most of his constituents in Vietnam were too young to vote! Damn! Damn! Double Damn!
2/7/67 - WM. S. MAILLIARD-RADM, USN (RET), Representative California. - Bill was on a fact finding tour. Most of the really important facts he found were uncovered in Bangkok. He discovered he could get laid 17 times a day for under .25 cents a pop!
2/9/67 - STEFAN POSSONY-Director of International Studies Program Of The Hoover Institute on War, Revolution and Peace. - I don't know if this is Herbert Hoover, or J. Edgar. It's a foregone conclusion that there was in fact a war, it was founded in revolution and there was no peace. All this moron had to do was have a little sit down with Bobby McNamara, or put on a flak jacket and step into the nearest rice paddy for some ‘In Your Face’ up close and personal field study.
2/10/67 - JOHN G. TOWER-Senator, Texas. - This guy needs absolutely no 'by-line'. Think back a couple of years. (Hint: You won't find him in a 'think tank'...maybe a 'drunk tank'.)
2/10/67 - BISHOP THOMAS WRIGHT-Bishop of Wilmington, N.C. - His visit was a diversionary tactic. On his return to CONUS he stopped over in Hawaii and kidnapped the ‘Honolulu Boy's Choir’!
2/11/67 - FRANK W. VANNOY-RADM, USN, COMPHIBGRU. - I'm really sick of these ‘&#@!’ acronyms. Maybe it's his 'frat' house? I don’t recall seeing a lot of ‘Phibgrus’. But if we had them then it follows that someone had to be in charge.
2/13/67 - JOHN P. MCCONNELL-Gen., USAF, Chief of Staff, USAF. - Must have been a need for more than one huh? By now if you have read this list and extrapolated the math you have already arrived at the obvious. There are more Air Force ‘Chiefs of Staff’ than there are pilots and planes.
2/15/67 - KI CHUN KANG-Lt.Gen., ROKMC, CO, ROKMC - Translation: Warlord and part-time 'dim sum maker'. ‘Ki Chun Kang’ has quite the ring to it. Every time I drop a box of silverware I think of this guy.
2/15/67 - YOUNG KOOK KIM-Maj.Gen., ROKMC, Director of Plans Bur., ROK. - Translation: Assistant Warlord, part-time 'sous' chef. “Young kook kim!” “I can’t I’m busy making the sauce, you cook’em if you want it done; do it yourself dammit!”
2/18/67 - NORMAN REAM-Special Assistant to the Secretary of the Navy. - I refuse to touch this! ‘Gowan! I dare ya!’
2/18/67 - MAURICE R. WEISNER-RADM, USN, Prospective Assistant Chief of Personnel Control, BUPERS. - Okay I have no idea what a ‘Prospective Assistant Chief’ is or does. But if it involves the Navy's Bureau of Personnel, and the ubiquitous term ‘Control.’ Then that should cover it. I’m still hung up on ‘Prospective’? Either he is or he ain’t. Right? I think it’s about time I apply for a position as ‘Prospective Chief of Naval Operations’. Sounds good.
2/19/67 - DR. G.W. JOHNSON-Director of Navy Labs. - This could mean research labs, medical labs, or canine labs? “Sit! Roll over! Arf! Whoa! Big dog, big dog!” All I remember is everywhere I went there was a bunch of buildings that had a big sign on them that read: ‘Navy Lab’. The C-Ration canning factory in Council Bluffs, Iowa was called ‘Blue Star Foods’ but secretly it was a Naval lab. Bio-Hazard stickers just everywhere.
2/19/67 - DR. G.T. BING-GS-18, Special Consultant to MACV, Science advisor. - A highly paid career civil service employee. Kind of like what ‘Spock’ is to ‘Captain Kirk’. Westmoreland: “Dr. Bing do you see any signs of VC life forms?” Dr. Bing: “Wait one damn minute General. I’m scanning!”
2/19/67 - DAROLD SILKWOOD-Systems Analyst General Purposes Division. - If this does not scream gobbledygook, free ride, free lunch, pay me more; then you tell me! “Hammers for sale. Get your hammers here while our blue light special is flashing K-Mart shoppers. Only $500.00 each while they last!” I have always dreamed of being a ‘General purpose systems analyst’. ‘Sigh’.
2/20/67 - PAUL F. FREEMAN-Gen., USA, CG, CONSARC. - As you can see by now there are so many Army personnel (Not to mention CONSARCs) in the Marine Corps’ ‘T.A.O.R.’, it's no wonder the ‘Green Machine’ decided it was just getting too damned crowded. So the ‘Corps’ turned most of ‘I’-Corps over to the Army and moved further North. Better neighborhood too. Later Marine archives would record that by late Spring, 1967 there were so many ‘CONSARCs’ running around the ‘Grunts’ couldn’t fire at the enemy for fear of hitting an innocent ‘CONSARC’.
2/24/67 - JOHN B. MCPHERSON-Maj.Gen. USAF, J-3. - You can see by the chronology he missed J-5 by only a few days. Had J-1, J-2, J-3, J-4 and J-5 arrived at the same time they could have held a circle ‘J-erk’!
2/24/67 - HAL C. PATTISON-BGen., USA, Chief of Military History/Army. - Now you see how it gets distorted. My own ‘A.A.R.s’ are proof of that. Nope. He didn’t believe the reports coming back to CONUS so he flew to Vietnam and started asking people what happened. Hal just walked up to a doggie and asked, “How many VC did you kill today?” Doggie: “We killed 20 Sir!” Hal to next doggie: “How many VC did you get today son?” Doggie: We got 20 Sir! But we couldn’t find the bodies.” Hal: ‘Okay 20 + 0 = 20 - 20 = 0? Damn!’ (Mental note: Make the VC ‘K.I.A.’ report 40.)
2/27/67 - U.S. GRANT SHARP-ADM., USN, CINCPAC. - ‘Commander in Chief’ Pacific 1964-1968. In charge of U.S. air operations during the Vietnam war. He frequently pressed for more intensive bombing. Ask your self why? I think he pressed it because he ran the air operations or simply because he could. Whether or not he should probably never occurred to him. Note that career military types are frequently named for historical military megalomaniacs: U.S. Grant-Wayne. Napoleon W. Greenspan. Robert E. Lee Jones. Major General Tzar Nick Smith, General Tecumseh Sherman Palchek. Brigadier Stonewall Jackson Wong.
2/27/67 - FRANK B. JAMES-BGen., USAF, HQ, NSAPAC. - No relation to the post-civil war Missouri outlaws Frank or Jessie James. And what the hell is ‘NSAPAC’? At this point you can see that there is no one above the rank of Captain in the Air Force back in CONUS. Like I said; they could have saved a lot of money by just picking through the punchbowl of Combat Ribbons sitting on the table in the ‘Situation Room’ at the White House.
2/28/67 - RICHARD S. CESARO-GS-18, OSD, Advance Research Projects Agency. -Gee! I hope this guy didn't have anything to do with Agent Orange!
2/28/67 - DR. ALBERT RUBENSTEIN-GS-18, OSD, Advance Research Projects. - Oh! Yeah! Probably experimented on Southern Missouri then Vietnam. You have to run a field test first. It’s the law. (Remember Dioxin?). Post Script: Declassified/Top Secret. 2/28/67 - Marcel Marceau-French ‘Mime’. - Shot and killed by M.P.'s after debarking a plane at Da Nang. He tried to ‘Mime’ his search for his invisible passport in his invisible 'carry on' luggage. He shrugged in frustration. The military police out of patience declared, “Your under arrest. You have the right to remain silent...” Marceau attempted to escape, running in place. The M.P.’s thought he was going to get away. They fired. Copyright: 1975 - 2001 By - Ron ‘Doc’ Ferrell |
