| Phyllis Roteman on March 25, 2008 Anonymous 2,Thanks for sharing your toxic story. First, conlratugate yourself for realizing the negative impact this person is having on you and others. It's easy to feel like it's YOUR problem and not theirs. That's part of their manipulation game, as Snowball points out.Now, what to do? I've got a few suggestions, but I'd also love to hear from others.- Be honest about her behavior. Admittedly, I tried this with my toxic person and it didn't work out too well. But at least I felt like I tried. I basically called them (politely and objectively) on their behavior. As you might expect, the individual deflected, cried, then got angry at me and made their bad behavior my fault ( If you wouldn't do X, I wouldn't have to behave badly! ) Again, I am glad I tried this approach, if only for my own piece of mind.- Don't feed the friendship. This doesn't mean being rude. However, a friendship takes two people making an effort to keep it alive. Are you subtly encouraging this toxic person by engaging her in conversation, smiling and head nodding, asking her questions, etc? If so, you're signaling that you want to nurture the friendship. You might try keeping your conversations with her shorter and telling her that you've got to run. Eventually, she'll get the point and move on. I know this sounds like a wimpy way to avoid the issue, but it may be the best way to end the friendship without a dramatic blow up.- Focus on your gym workouts. If the only place you run into this person is at the gym, this might be easy just focus on your workouts. I know when I go to the gym, I like to push myself. It's hard to do that when others are engaging you in conversation. If she approaches you to talk at the gym, you could easily say, I'm sorry but I'm really focused on my workout today. I can't talk now. - Take the Band-Aid approach. I suppose the most courageous way to extricate yourself is to just say, I can't be friends with you any more. (It's quick and painful, like yanking off a Band-Aid.) Of course she'll want an explanation which takes you back to the first point (be honest by describing the negative behaviors and impact on you and others). If she gets defensive, nasty or manipulative, you can simply end the conversation. It may be uncomfortable for some time seeing her at the gym, but it will be done.
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